It’s true. Life kinda sucks at this point of my life. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so selfish, for their personal gain. So that life will be smooth sailing on their end.
I’ve really had enough. And I loath my realization now. Every second of it.
Yayy! 2 more days to having my breakfast prepared while I get ready for work and coming home to the noisy flute (that I’ve gotten used to) playing in the apartment.
I can’t believe how time flies. Fab’s been away for 3 weeks now, and yet it all seems like yesterday when we were pissing each other off. To that unnerving feeling that we didn’t quite know how to react inside. A part of us rejoiced the solitary path that we would both retain and yet there was a part of us that didn’t quite like the emptiness that was already building inside.
It’s hard not to fall in love with fab. His childlike nature that clicks with the 10 year old in me and his pampering… But I guess it’s also easier because I am visually stimulated by him!
It’s human nature, to miss him when he is no longer by my side. To think about how he made my heart glow is enough to put a smile on my face. And I often think to yourself, if I had to do it all over again, I would be less rigid, I would go with the flow and dance with him whenever I can.
If there is anything that I’ve learned from my past experiences, it would be:
Can’t wait to see you baby.
This is about a rich, handsome, 50 something man who sweep the feet of a 20 something year old girl. After their first night together, Ray told Mirabelle that he wasn’t looking for anything permanent because he is always travelling. But he would like to see her whenever he is in town. (I.e. have sex with her).
Ray seduces her with all things money-can-buy, hoping to make up to what he was incapable of providing, emotionally. However, there were times when he misses her tremendously during his business trips, where the first thing he wanted to see was her face when he reaches home.
Then one night in New York, he dived into the pool of betrayal, thinking that it would be ok if he was honest with Mirabelle that he had sex with one of his old gf. Sex that meant nothing to him, emotionally.
Mirabelle cried devastately and retreated back to her parent’s home instead of a pre-scheduled trip to New York with Ray. Ray pleaded her to go to New York, and some where in Mirabelle’s little heart, she must’ve wanted to forgive him.
Then it happened again one day, when he jokingly said that he needed a bigger apartment in New York just in case he decided to get married and have children. It was then that it really struck ed her, “Why won’t you love me? Are you just buying your time with me?”, she asked. And all he could say was “I thought you’d understood”.
That was the end of the romance. She never looked back.
Not too long after that, Jeremy (who courted her before Ray) came into her life again. Awkwardly, they went out again, and they had sex the second time 14 months later after they first met. This time, Jeremy surpasses what Ray provided her as a lover. What Jeremy gave Mirabelle was tender and truth.
And Mirabelle? She is experiencing pure happiness – that she had found with Jeremy.
Mirabelle and Ray met again few months later. As Ray watch Mirabelle walks away into Jeremy’s arm, he feels a lost. How is it possible he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone, he would not miss her. Only then he realise that wanting a part of her and not all of her had hurt them both. But he couldn’t justify his actions. Except, that’s what he thought life was, full of uncontrollable crircumstances.
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It’s a shame that some people have not the courage to love whole heartedly. Always putting love at the back seat because of their own insecurities, or wanting to achieve their list of ‘to-dos’ before committing themselves in a relationship.
But since when does love require and demanded perfection of circumstances and individual? What ever happen to falling in love for LOVE? The feeling that makes your heart skip a beat and day dreaming the other person at your doorstep?
To the many ‘Ray’ out there, it’s time to wake up. You don’t have many 50s to go around. And if you are not capable of loving the ‘Mirabelle’ out there, the least you could do is just look at her from a distance and let her find her most deserved happiness.
Finally traced back my old time fav website since 2004!
http://www.corsakti.com/
Omigod, I can’t believe this, I’ve booked another ticket with mom and dad to bangkok in Oct! (Zain, you are so gonna hate me, did I also mentioned about my Chiang Mai trip in July?) lol!
Weekend spend at my parent’s has been great. Lazed around in my bed and indulged in a movie marathon (watched 6 DVDs!) Never mind if I didn’t catch up with any friends. Admittedly, I am shameful with myself when it comes to keeping friends.
It’s great to be back home – to immerse in the sense of security under my parent’s watchful eye and nagging breath. Though we argue and talk less affectionately compared to other families but that no matter what kinda shit I am in, I know they will always be there for me.
Last Friday, I managed to put a full stop to a ‘fear’ that I’ve carried as a burden for a very long time. I can finally ‘breath’ again as a normal person and that felt great!
I am also very excited about backpacking in March. So I guess I’ve pretty much decided my backpacking route. Siem Reap – Phnon Penh – HCMC – Bangkok (depending if I’ve got time left)… Never a day passes without me reading journals on Cambodia, sometimes even until until wee hours in the morning because I was so captivated by the tales told by fellow backpackers :)
However, the bad news is that I won’t be laying under the sun enjoying my beach holiday with fab in tioman. But the good news is that he is coming over in 3 days time and spend a little bit longer. Such a sweetheart!
I wonder if I can squeeze a trip to Brisbane year end…
I had a great day today!! Started off pretty bad with my running nose half way through the Mensa-like test. It’s amazing how I’ve gotten a ‘B’ by attending the questions half heartedly. I suppose I am really good at guessing haha.
My path is clearer now…The good thing about going with the flow, is when you let the universe decide what’s best for you and have the courage to answer to it’s call.
Have the courage to just do it without trying to rationalize what you feel inside.
*off to dreamland*
Beans! Beans! Beans!
Er…dunno what is this.
Figs. Anyone?
Bunga cengkih I really really detest the fact that work fucks up my weekend.
Just when I thought yesterday was the last of it and that we can wash our hands clean. We received an email requested to be on site for the dry run! It’s either I am having hormone imbalance due to my menses or I am fucking tired of my current state of unachievable work-life balance.
One of the things that I miss most about fab is his cooking. Be it nasi goreng, mee goreng or just some stuff that he made up from the leftovers in the fridge. His cooking brings orgasm to my taste bud! Can I fall in love with him for that reason? Hah!
Yesterday, I jumped at the ‘000′ number that appeared on my hand phone. I am seeing him in about a weeks time! Fabulous! Maybe I should talk him into backpacking with me haha!
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Sometimes I wonder if I have a heart made of stone. I’ve burned bridges with a handful of people, because I feel that we don’t stand on a common ground – the direction we see in our friendship and the basic common interest that binds us together. It’s a very crude thing to do I know…. But I couldn’t pretend to like someone, let alone having a decent conversation with them.
But people who’s heart is ruled by ego will not understand that it’s perfectly ok not to be ‘liked’. It doesn’t mean that one has committed something so wrong beyond reconciliation, it just means that the bond between the two person is so weak that giving it a time off would do both more good than harm.
Get it?
